First Kiss Last Read online

  She made a sandwich and ate silently, standing in the kitchen. Leah took in the open floor plan: the high-top island with bar stools where they usually ate, the small dining room table there was barely room for, the modern couch that was stiff and uncomfortable. Everything was hard or metallic. Leah saw gray, white, black, and more gray. Even the wood floors somehow lacked color.

  Worse yet, Leah did not see herself anywhere in the room. Sure, a canvas print of their wedding photo hung on one wall. And she knew her coat and purse were tucked into a closet by the door. But where else was her presence known? She wandered the apartment. A toothbrush, a laundry basket with a few dirty clothes, half a closet and a few drawers. A couple rows of books and a few photos.

  Leah was stunned at the realization. She was no longer numb.

  Grabbing Gigi’s thick sweater from her closet, Leah tossed it on and made for the door. She climbed the stairs to the shared rooftop area. Thankfully the place was deserted. Probably because of the cooler weather, shorter daylight hours, and the current dinner hour.

  Making her way to a lounge chair, Leah collapsed into it. Her distress about her absence from the apartment hither all at once. She pulled the sweater more tightly around her, as if Gigi herself were here again, holding her close. Leah wished she could talk to her. She did not understand what was happening in her life or what she could do to handle it.

  Sharp pains shot through her chest. Leah tried to catch her breath and was shocked to realize she was crying. Again. So much for not feeling anything, now she was feeling everything. She sat back, closed her eyes and let the tears flow.

  The city sounds slowly faded away. Leah could hear the sound of leaves rustling in the wind and a few birds chirping. Even the scent of the air had changed. She swiped at her face, her tears slowing down.

  “Leah?”

  Cade’s voice should have startled her but it didn’t. She must have fallen asleep as she cried. Leah pulled a tissue from her sweater pocket and dabbed at her eyes. She heard the crunch of footsteps over earth as he approached.

  “Leah, why are you crying? Are you okay?” His voice was tender and full of concern. She opened her eyes to see him crouched in front of her. She stared into his gorgeous eyes and offered him a weak smile.

  “I’m okay.” It came out with no conviction.

  He searched her face, “Honey, if you were okay, you wouldn’t be sitting out here crying.” It was said with a gentle laugh but his smile quickly faded.

  “I was lying on the couch watching football . . .” He looked confused, then she watched as understanding dawned. “I fell asleep, didn’t I? This is a dream and that’s how you are here?” He said, answering his own question.

  Leah nodded in agreement, but realized she didn’t know where ‘here’ was. As she looked around, Cade rose from his crouched position and sat beside her.

  They sat at a weathered picnic table, facing out. Straight ahead was a small patch of sandy beach lakefront. To the left and right were tall old-growth trees, their leaves already starting to color. It was picturesque and yet somehow familiar. She turned to look behind her and saw a family backyard, complete with swing set, a fire pit, and a barbecue grill on the back patio. When she saw the house, she knew where she was.

  Leah had been here before. In real life. The summer before she started her freshman year of high school, they had attended the same youth group. That was how she met Cade. All the teens had come here many times to swim or have a bonfire. Most times, both.

  She fell in love with Cade that summer—given away the first piece of her heart to the firecracker of a boy with the bluest eyes she had ever seen. His face still had the roundness of youth, but it did not hide his square jaw or the stubbornness that went with it. His skin was bronzed and his sandy blond hair streaked from the sun.

  When he slipped her a note, asking if she wanted to be his girlfriend, Leah was elated. Her hands shook and she’d checked “yes” so fast it looked like a scribble. But that was all it took to make them a couple.

  At such a young age, there was not any true dating going on. It was just simple things like sitting together during youth group outings, passing notes or talking on the phone. Leah liked when Cade sought her out and sat extra close. He was the first boy to hold her hand. She’d felt so special! They talked on the phone all hours of the day. Leah remembered how Lily had hated her hogging the phone. She smiled.

  “Hey, that’s better.” Cade said hopefully, bringing her back to the present.

  “I was remembering coming here. This is your grandparent’s place, right?”

  Cade cleared his throat. He stared out at the water. “It was. My grandpa left it to me after he passed. I was . . .” he paused, still looking ahead, before trying again, “want to know the truth?”

  She nodded. He did not see her answer, but continued anyway.

  “I wasn’t in the best place in my life when Pops was nearing his end. I saw it coming and I tried. Dammit. But . . . he died before I got my shit together. I let him down.”

  Cade reached down, found a stone and threw it. They were far enough back from the edge of the lake that it barely reached the water.

  “I promised him. Promised him on his fucking deathbed that I’d get my shit together and make him proud.” He turned to look at her. “I told you I wasn’t always the best dad and it’s the honest-to-God truth. And after Pops died, I worked the hardest I ever have in my life.”

  Leah sat quietly and just let Cade talk. No judgements. Just her hand on his leg, encouraging him. Giving him strength? She felt the need to connect with him and be part of this with him. He put his hand on hers and squeezed. She hoped that meant he felt the same way.

  “Here’s the worst of it. I’d been in jail. My ex, Nicole was in jail too. Me? I beat the crap outta some loser over something stupid.” He looked at her and smiled sheepishly.

  His life, at least what she had witnessed in high school, was filled with his doing stupid things for dumb reasons.

  “But Nicole, well, she had DUI charges and drug charges and well, yeah. State took away our baby girl.”

  Cade reached in his pocket, pulled out a pack of cigarettes and lit up. He leaned slightly and carefully blew the smoke away from her.

  “Pops was dying when I got out. I was a broken man when I went to him, still behaving like a kid doing stupid stuff. He called in a favor and got me a construction job. He gave me money for a lawyer so I could get Skyler back. Even my own parents had basically told me I was on my own. Guess they felt like they’d helped me enough. Decided to try some tough love. But not Pops.”

  Cade paused to take another drag. He looked at her, checking to see if she was going to say something or judge him. She just kept her hand in his and waited.

  “No matter what, right up until the end. He just kept loving me. He was the only one who never judged me. Except . . . except maybe you.” He squeezed her hand, finished his cigarette and put it out in the dirt before continuing.

  “Pops left me the house. My parents weren’t too happy but what could they do? So I kept my head down, worked hard, got my daughter back, and moved in here. All thanks to my grandpa.”

  It sounded like the beginning of a happy ending but what about Liam? Leah knew Sky was only half of Cade’s story.

  “And Liam?”

  “Yeah, my buddy,” he smiled proudly. Then the smile faded. “Nicole saw me with a steady income and a good place to live and wanted in on it. She’d finally gotten outta jail too and swore she’d seen the light. No more drugs, no more trouble. Wanted to be a good mama.”

  Cade shook his head and sighed. “What can I say? I wanted what she was selling. A happy ending, a forever after. So I let her move in. I worked hard and paid the bills. I got my contractor’s license and branched out on my own. When Nicole told me she was pregnant again, I thought I finally had it all.”

  He went silent. Leah just waited. There was a big bad coming, she was sure.

  “I started noticing
things before Liam was even born. I knew she was slipping. But I was busy and I let it slide. I don’t know how Liam was born as healthy as he was. I don’t know how he’s as smart as he is. But I thank God. A few weeks after he was born, Nicole upped and left. My mom flew in and helped me for the first three months. I wasn’t expecting that. Guess she still had some hope for me,” he shrugged.

  “So Nicole . . .” Leah didn’t know how to ask.

  “She had more trouble with the law. She’d come around here saying she wanted to see the kids but she’d have one hand out asking for money and another taking anything not nailed down. DCS started snooping around and I used everything I had to get full custody. Nicole ended up with more troubles and signed off her legal rights to both kids to help herself out.”

  He looked at her sharply. “What kinda mother does that? You’d never do that.” His voice sounded so sure.

  “It’s not a fair comparison,” she said softly.

  “I guess. Well, truth?”

  Leah nodded and Cade worked at what he was about to confess.

  “I have.”

  “Have?”

  “Always compared every other girl to you.” He looked at her. Dead honesty written all over his face. She wanted to make light of it, crack a joke, ease the tension but she couldn’t. Cade broke it by giving her a quick kiss before finishing his story.

  “So yeah, she’s almost completely out of the picture. She comes around every once in a while. I slapped a restraining order on her last time. And I heard a while ago she was back in jail. Dunno where she is now and don’t care, so long as she stays away from my kids.” His jaw was set.

  It had to have been hard to go through all that. Hard also to tell her about it. She was proud of what he’d accomplished and she got ready to tell him so. At the last second she changed her words.

  “He’d be proud, you know. He is proud. Your grandpa. I believe it with my whole heart. He knows what a good man and great father you are now. He knew you had it in you all along.” Leah squeezed his hand and pulled it to her face. She kissed his knuckles, rough from years of work and fighting.

  “And you?” he asked.

  “I’ve always known you have a good heart, even if you were a troublemaker. Girls always fall for the bad boy,” she teased.

  “I’ve always wondered what if . . . what if you and I hadn’t broken up that summer . . .”

  “We can’t live in ‘what-ifs,’ Cade. That’s not how it works. We were kids ourselves. I was . . .”

  “The sweetest . . . kindest . . . cutest . . .” He kissed her between every word.

  “You forgot shyest,” she said with self-loathing.

  “No. I was a jerk,” he said remorsefully.

  “I wanted you to kiss me so badly! But I was terrified of it. I wanted it but I needed you to initiate it. I didn’t have the nerve. And when I heard you calling me a goody-goody . . .” Leah’s voice trailed off. She had wanted to be wanted so badly. She had wanted him to want her.

  “I believe someone smart said something earlier about not living in the past?” he teased, making her smile. “Make up for it now, hun. Show me how brave you are.”

  Cade’s tone changed. There was sexual tension between them where there had not been moments before. He gave her a sexy smirk. Daring her.

  Leah did not stop to think. She took the challenge enthusiastically. She moved, straddling him. Wrapped her arms around his neck and kissed him for all she was worth.

  Cade’s hands were on her hips, under her cardigan. Together they began to move in a steady rhythm. There was no denying where this was headed. She could not get enough. She moaned with pleasure wanting more, rubbing herself against him in a way that would have been embarrassing if she could have formed a coherent thought.

  “Fuck,” Cade said, trying to break the kiss.

  “Yes,” Leah encouraged, grabbing one of his hands and sliding it up her body to her breast. “Please,” she begged. She whimpered when he squeezed, then gasped when his fingers found her nipple through the fabrics of her shirt and bra.

  “Not good enough . . . not here . . .” he tried to explain between kisses, “I don’t want our first time to be outside on a picnic table like some damn horny kids, hun. You deserve so much better than this.”

  Leah sagged against him, knowing he was right: this was not the time or place. She put her head on his shoulder and his arms encircled her, as she waited for her breathing to return to normal, Cade lightly stroked her back. Finally, he broke the silence.

  “Babe?”

  Leah tensed. For a moment, she could not speak. When she finally did, she couldn’t manage more than a whisper. She did not even lift her head. She only hoped he could hear her because she did not want to have to repeat this.

  “Don’t. Don’t call me ‘babe.’ That’s what he calls me. My . . . h-husband. Eric.” It was hard to get out, like trying to talk with marbles in her mouth. She felt his hand still on her back for the briefest of moments before continuing its steady back and forth.

  “I . . . we . . . we only dated for a few months and I . . .” She stopped again. Cade tried to get her to sit up, but she shook her head, avoiding his eyes.

  “I got pregnant and so we got m-married . . . and then I . . . I . . .” She felt his arms tighten around her. Cade held her as her words tumbled out, rushed together. “I lost the baby and I can’t have more and they don’t know why and it doesn’t even matter ’cause Eric doesn’t even want—” She stopped, unable to get out another word. Leah wept, heartbroken for what she could never have.

  She had never admitted to anyone why she married Eric. Few people knew about her miscarriage and even less knew about her infertility. Cade had wanted to know why she did not have children, well, now he knew. Something was wrong with her: her body did not work right. Thankfully, he did not offer any platitudes. He simply held her close as she cried.

  When she finally calmed enough to open her eyes, she was back on the apartment roof. The sun was setting and her tears felt frozen on her face. There was no point in continuing to sit here. She could not return to Cade to finish the conversation. Leah was not sure what she would say even if she could. She got up and made her way downstairs.

  Letting herself back into the now almost completely dark apartment, Leah didn’t bother with lights. She quickly switched the laundry over. The new, clean bedding was in the laundry basket but after carrying it to the bedroom, realized she had no energy to make the bed.

  She dug around until she found an old t-shirt from some marathon Eric had convinced her to do. She hated running. She slipped on the shirt, grabbed an extra blanket from the linen closet and curled up on the stiff couch.

  Leah clicked on the entertainment center and tuned on some old-school country music. Eric would be horrified. She let it play quietly in the background.

  Spotting her phone on the coffee table, Leah checked it for the first time since getting home from shopping. Still nothing from Eric. A “love ya, sis!” from Lily with a cute pic of her nieces. It made her smile. She sent a heart with the number 2 back.

  There was one more message. It was from Cade. He continued to private message her even though she never accepted his friend request. She was not replying to them but she knew the app would show him when she viewed what he sent.

  With one little icon, he let her know he understood and shared the heartbreak of her situation. Heartbreak she had told him about in the dream.

  And how could Cade understand her so easily when her own husband could not?

  Leah stared at the broken-heart emoji.

  Yes, she thought, it really is.

  Chapter 9

  Eric showed back up Monday night. He brought home take-out as if everything between them was normal. Leah sat across the table from him, watching him eat. The silence unnerved her, so she spoke.

  “How was your trip?”

  “Good.” He took a large bite and kept his head down.

  Question after question
raced through her brain. Where did he go? Who was he with? What did they do? Why wouldn’t he talk about it? They had not seen each other in days and that was all he had to say? She picked at her food, a meatless grain bowl, wishing Eric would elaborate. She tried a different line of conversation.

  “I went shopping with Lily on Saturday.”

  “That’s nice.” Eric rose to take care of his plate.

  Leah scowled. Didn’t he care? Why wasn’t he curious? She was thankful Eric had his back to her because she could not hide her annoyance. Instead, she stabbed at a piece of tofu. It did little to relieve her frustration.

  “I’m gonna go do my laundry.” Eric left the room and Leah finished eating by herself.

  The rest of the evening was just as quiet. Leah sat in the living room reading while Eric lounged on the couch flipping through the channels. She couldn’t help but wonder if he felt as unsettled as she did. The only program he watched all the way through was the nightly news. When it was over, he turned off the TV and left the room.

  Leah finished the page she was on, marked her spot in her book and followed him. They readied for bed with an awkwardness Leah had not felt since the first year in their marriage. She came out of the bathroom to find him waiting for her in the hall.

  “Goodnight, babe.” He kissed her forehead. Leah watched him turn and enter the guest bedroom, closing the door behind him. She stared at the door. Tonight felt surreal. She wondered how long this would last.

  The next few days passed with a similar routine. Aside from the kiss at bedtime, they lived like roommates. Eric would answer direct questions and he even made polite chitchat about his day. There did not seem to be any hostility, but the connection they should have as husband and wife was missing. They both just went through the motions.